by Timea Cheeseman

Family and career

We want a successful career. We want to be loving parents and passionate lovers. We want to have time for our friends and a nice home. German ZEIT journalist Marc Brost once summed it up quite aptly when he said: "We are the first generation in which there are, so to speak, quite a lot of expectations and no longer a classic role model." The classic role model of the mother has been under reconstruction for some time. Many mothers are returning to work earlier and earlier - some because they want to, others because they have to. But the classic role model of the father is also beginning to change. And so it happens that everyone is responsible for a bit of everything, but especially for balancing work and family. So we are constantly running a multitasking marathon, with the aim of somehow and sometime doing justice to everything. And in the long run, that is quite exhausting.

How do we manage the difficult balancing act between work and family? How do we get out of the multitasking trap? Mindfulness can help you to admit that you are overwhelmed, to let go of excessive expectations and to bring your attention back to the present.

Is it all a question of organisation?

Nowadays, anyone who wants to combine work and family life needs one thing above all: organisational talent. If you have this talent, you can not only manage your professional life efficiently, but also successfully lead the company "family" through everyday life. At least that is the theory. The reality, however, is different. Good organisation and planning are indispensable, but they are no guarantee for a successful professional and fulfilling family life. How well one succeeds in combining work and family depends on many factors, for example, how supportive and flexible the employer is or how the family policy is designed. In addition, there are things like illness or financial constraints that can make it even more difficult to balance work and family life. The challenge of reconciliation is then topped off by the pressure of self-optimisation, high expectations and feelings of guilt that there is never enough time for everything that is important to you - whether it is your job, your children, your partner, your circle of friends or your own well-being.

Dare to admit that you are overwhelmed

"The first step in solving a problem is recognising there is one." - a wonderful quote from the series "The Newsroom" that everyone who feels overwhelmed should take to heart. If we want to manage to better reconcile work and family, the first thing we have to do is admit to ourselves that perhaps not everything is working as we would like it to. And that means first and foremost stock-tacking honestly.

You can decide for yourself how you want to stock-take. You may find it helpful to write down your thoughts and reflections. Putting your own chaos of thoughts into words and writing down your problems often creates valuable clarity. Why don't you try answering the following five questions every evening for a week and write them down in a mindfulness diary?

1. What did work well today and what didn't? 2. Have there been moments when I felt overwhelmed? 3. Did I feel that I was not doing justice to one thing or one area of my life today? 4. Have there been moments that have motivated me or given me strength? 5. What expectations did I have of myself today and was I able to fulfil them?

It is important to write down both the positive and the negative things. Because even if we want to gain awareness of where the problem lies, that doesn't mean we have to give more weight to the negative than the positive. After a week, you will probably already recognise patterns and tendencies, in which situations you try to do too many things at the same time or whether you regularly have the feeling that you are not able to fulfil one thing.

Free yourself from excessive expectations

Above all, remember: you are not alone. Doing justice to the different areas of life to the same degree is a problem for the majority of families. Around 68 percent of parents in Germany have difficulties balancing work and family life, according to the results of an election study conducted by the magazine"Eltern" in cooperation with the opinion research institute Kantar EMNID. Reducing this percentage requires not only good planning, but also the right support from business and politics.

On an individual level, mindfulness can help you let go of excessive expectations and put less pressure on yourself. Look at your notes in the mindfulness diary and try to identify which situations and moments that you rated negatively were associated with too high expectations of yourself. Maybe you felt guilty because you were planning dinner with the family in the meeting, or your mind was on work at the child's birthday party, or you couldn't listen to your partner because you had to explain to your child why he or she won't have his or her own laptop yet.

The answer to this problem is simple and complex at the same time: we simply have to free ourselves from some expectations. Because the pressure to do everything perfectly and to keep optimising ourselves creates unnecessary stress and dissatisfaction. We cannot be the perfect mother and partner in every situation, or the perfect career type and best friend. Of course, it's not easy to let go of these ideal images, so start small first! Even if that only means that the next time you meet your friends, just leave your flat as untidy as it is.

More satisfaction through single-tasking

Another recipe against being overwhelmed: Be with what you are doing at the moment, without multitasking and having a guilty conscience. Far too often, our minds are everywhere but where we are at the moment. At work, that means we're not as productive as we might be. At home, it means that we don't really enjoy our time with the children or our partner.

There are many ways to bring your attention back to the now. One simple trick is to say the word "stop" to yourself internally and thus bring yourself back to the moment when you notice that you are stuck in your thoughts. In the long run, meditation can help you learn to focus on the here and now. However, it is also important to eliminate distractions in advance. Avoid writing private emails and messages while at work. And simply switch off your business mobile phone completely after work and refrain from reading your work emails at the weekend. If you're afraid of missing something important, it's better to set up an out-of-office notification for your emails rather than constantly checking to make sure your client hasn't written. You have every right to free time, and your family is certainly happy to have your undivided attention.

Our modern, hectic everyday life makes it easy for us to let our thoughts fly away again and again, and to try to do justice to everything and everyone through constant multitasking. If you confide in the people in your heart, you will see that many working parents feel the same way. If you want to do justice to your job, your family and yourself, you have to learn to live in the present - be it with your work colleague or the nappy of your child.

(Picture: Daniela Rey auf Unsplash)