by Alexandra Gojowy und Helena Pabst

The right way to handle arguments

“Happiness is only real when shared.” Many people know this quote from the film “Into the Wild” (2007), which tells the life story of Christopher McCandless. In 1992, he set out into the Alaskan wilderness on his own. Sadly, he did not survive the journey. Over the last few weeks of his life, he thought deeply about the question of what really makes a person happy – and ultimately came up with this one sentence.

Close relationships: the secret to happiness

Scientific studies have shown how important close relationships with other people are for our sense of happiness. Researchers at Harvard University conducted the longest study to date on the topic of happiness over a period of 75 years and examined what is really important for being happy in life. The results were surprising. The decisive factors were not, as many initially thought, success, status or security, but stable relationships.

According to the researchers, having just one really close friend can contribute more to your happiness – and even to your health – than exercise, nutrition or wealth. After all, humans are social beings who are not capable of being truly happy on their own, explains Manfred Lütz, psychiatrist and author.

The question is, what makes for stable relationships? Eternal harmony? Perfect symbiosis? In fact, having successful long-lasting friendships, partnerships or marriages is not just about having things in common but also about experiencing conflicts. They help us set boundaries, express our needs and clarify differences of opinion. “Arguments enable us to get to know ourselves and others better, to put wishes, feelings and interests into words,” says conflict researcher Susanne Jalka.

At least that is the case if the argument is handled in the right way. The prerequisite for this is not total self-sacrifice but, on the contrary, discovering one’s own needs, even if it seems selfish at first glance.

Resolving conflicts the right way: What is it really about?

Finding yourself, discovering your own identity, understanding your individual needs - self-discovery is trending. Initially, it places the focus on yourself. However, questioning yourself and dealing with your own needs has nothing to do with an “ego trip”, but is the first step towards leading honest and stable relationships. Because even the best friendships can’t survive without conflict. In fact, conflicts are important for our body, mind and our social intelligence. Provided we learn to argue in a “mindful” way. And for that, we first have to know what is really important to us and where our boundaries lie.

In conflict situations we often react impulsively without questioning what is really behind our own behaviour. Am I really upset about the fact my friend cancelled our plans last-minute because I would have “better things to do”? Or do I actually feel that my trust has been violated? Was I annoyed by the actual criticism from my boss, or do I feel unappreciated in general? Or vice versa – why is my counterpart “suddenly” so irritated?

Learning about yourself and gaining more control over your emotions is not about withdrawing from others. Rather, it allows yourself to recognise more easily when you really need to show boundaries and when you are acting in response to deep-rooted response patterns - or if you are simply defending your ego in a combative way. The better we reflect on our own personality, the more acceptance and empathy we develop for ourselves and our counterparts – an important foundation for constructive confrontations.

Take a deep breath

A simple way to control your impulses in conflict situations is the proverbial “deep breath”. In fact, just two deep breaths can change your reaction to a perceived attack in a decisive way. As the famous neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl put it: “Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Staying calm on the inside creates space to question your own needs and allows you to stay open to other ways of thinking. Those who practise this type of concentration and control on a regular basis, for example through meditation, have been shown to become more reflective and able to control their own emotions more easily. The capacity for empathy also increases. With more composure, some conflicts can even be avoided altogether.

And if you do have to vent, good friends will be able to put up with it. After all, the happiest friendships are those in which you meet as equals. Allowing others to get close to you, especially when things get difficult, is a basic requirement for long-lasting relationships. And we absolutely need them in order to lead a happy life. Yes, this also includes the odd argument. What counts is that at the end of the day you can be happy about shared experiences again. Because happiness is not an ego trip, but always a collective project.